Three hundred and sixty-five days have gone by. Three hundred and sixty-five days since my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. An entire year has passed by! It’s simply astonishing. Astonishing on multiple levels. 1) That it has been so long in such a short time 2) I am not the same person I was 3) I’m surprisingly happy despite my engagement ending, not by me, after almost five years of dating. Yes, happy. Perspective and purpose will do that to a person.
Self preservation is an interesting thing. Some have it in spades and others don’t know how to cope. Due to trauma in my early life, I subconsciously acquired means to deal with day to day existence. Detachment and memory loss assist in this matter. It’s not something I am normally aware of. When focused, I have a fabulous memory, yet I cannot easily recall the faces of my past boyfriends and shocking as it may seem, it is tougher to recall the visage of my ex-fiancé than it is any previous significant other. Likewise, most memories I have of my time spent with my ex-fiancé are in “third person.” This is detachment or disassociation. When I recollect our experiences together, it is as if I am another person watching the two of us. A fly on the wall, if you will. It’s akin to viewing a movie or a television show. The emotional connection is no longer present. I can no longer see through “my own eyes.” Sometime after the age of five these preservation mechanisms developed and it wasn’t until college that I realized them for what they were. Evidently many other people are unable to do this.–Does this make me cold and heartless? That is a matter of personal opinion.
The bottom line concerning the fallout from the broken engagement? I’m too old for this sh*t. My ex-fiancé’s parting wish for me was to gain more self-esteem. And I have! Oddly. I’m emotionally stronger, I have goals (actually, I have a 40 year plan, but that’s for some other time), and I am becoming the person I’ve always dreamed of being! It’s marvelous! I’m less apologetic, more firm, put up with less crap, more tolerant, and far more enlightened.
Someone once asked if I still think about my ex-fiancé, wonder what he’s doing, or who he’s with. The honest answer? Rarely. Simply, because the emotional attachment is almost non-existent. Sadly, it’s almost like he never existed. Besides, it’s not healthy to dwell on negative things for long periods of time. I know, because I’ve been there. It took me almost four years to get over my college boyfriend. As for my ex-fiancé, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’m not upset with him. I’m not bitter or vengeful. He extracted himself from my life for whatever his reasons were. I’ll never know them all, I can only speculate as to why. His life and those of his family are of no consequence to me. They have made it so. It is what it is. They have their dramas to deal with and I have bigger fish to fry. Simple as that. I have the world in front of me and I’m giddy with hope and determination. I don’t know what the future holds, but, truly, my best days are ahead of me.
I pray when August 2nd rolls around next year, it will seem like just another random Wednesday. Nothing to write home about. My only focus is the next step, the possibilities in front of me, and the opportunities I’ll be able to take.
“Here’s the future, because I’m done with the past.”
And by past, I mean, of course, my personal past, not the glorious past of the 19th century, because–Hello?! 19th Century Modern doesn’t exist without my obsession.
Expect the next twelve months to continue with more risk taking episodes, experiences, and grabbing life by the horns. In the up-coming year I will be living a more organic life, foundations of a new venture are slowly moving forward, there will be more flexibility, new strength, more style, birthdays, another job or two, Vegas trips, a dog, professional speaking, the end of The Handmaiden Contract, a miraculous Christmas, a new year, an opera perhaps, Olympics, hopefully prize money, more friends and more love. I’m open to it all and planning most of it!
If I find someone, great! If I don’t find someone, great! For the first time in my life, I am slowly falling in love with myself (and not in a Kanye West-kinda way). It’s pretty awesome. Are there things I wish I could change? Well, yeah. That’s what I’m working on! I’m so happy to change now. It’s been a rough ride to get here, but I’m enjoying the journey and anticipating the view from the top. More details will emerge as events and experience come closer to the fore. All in good time, Dear Readers, all in good time.