Something you may not know about me, I have a tendency to chatter. Actually, it’s a cycle. I’m silent and focused for really long stretches of time enjoying my solitude. Then . . . I’m not. Many of my life epiphanies and revelation have been slips of the tongue in a seemingly meaningless (but entertaining!) conversation.
True to form. Yesterday, I made the off-hand comment to a co-worker, “I’ve been to twice as many funerals as I have been to weddings.” –We were talking about the fear of death, or in my case, the lack there of. When I sat back down at my office, I quickly calculated. I have attended 10 weddings in my life and 19 funerals and no births. I have never seen an animal born nor held a day old baby. This realization bothered me far more than it should. Half of the weddings I’ve attended were as a plus one to my ex-fiancé. Which means if I had not met him, I’ve would have only been to five weddings.
Now Death; death is an old friend. He and I had a heart to heart many years ago. We’re cool. I know what to expect of him. –Prior to attending college I seriously considered Mortuary Studies. I have always been fascinated by death rituals and embalming. I think it is a great honor to be entrusted with some else’s loved one and to serve the living in their moments of great need. It is a very meaningful career.–My father used to say it has the best job security. . .
When I lamented my latest revelation to my Mother, she paused before she made her point. “Well, honey, not many people are getting married these days. Everyone is living with one another or postponing the wedding, but people keep dying. So funerals won’t go away.”–I had to laugh. Because . . . truth.
After much thought, I realized I will be burying others until my own day comes, and I can’t foresee weddings for the “Nine Left Over” in my family who are all of marriageable age but have yet to get married (ages range from 26-40), but there is one thing I can control. Kinda. I can experience a birth. Not my own obviously. It takes two to tango after all. I am determined by my birthday in 2017, I will present as a witness to an animal birth.
Why is this important to me? And who cares? For one, the Victorians experienced all three milestones in close quarters at home and the village. They were exposed to all life’s joys and tragedies at a very, very early age. So being Victorian-esque, naturally, has an appeal for me. There is more to it, however. –I know I am a person that needs hand holding through new experiences. At least once. I like to know that there is someone there to support me. Insecure? Perhaps. Nervous and apprehensive? Most definitely. I have a much greater uncertainty with birth, than I do with Death. This is partially due to Doctor’s telling me I will have a difficult time conceiving, unlikely to carry to term, and my childhood fear of dying in childbirth . . . But simply because it’s “unknown.” So, yes, I fear the unknown.
The best way to get over it and embrace it is . . . no, not to get pregnant myself, but experience first as an outsider. The “easiest” way would be to be present for a an animal birth. Puppies, kitties, horses, goats, cows, sheep, whatever is nearby in town. Someone instructed me to just watch a YouTube Video of a graphic delivery.–Yeah, no thanks. I could do that, but that’s not the experience I seek. The energy of a live birth. I want to know what that feels like. Then maybe, maybe I’ll move closer to peace about having children of my own. Or not. I’ll let you know after my exploration on the subject.
I don’t ever want to be a person who “desperately wants” any more. So. Much. Heartache. I’ve experienced with the break up of my engagement. I can’t image the level of those women who are dying to have a child and not being able to. I don’t ever want to be so desirous like that. I do want to come to terms with “whatever happens, happens and be joyous about it.” If I remain single for the rest of my days? Sweet! If I end up marrying Ryan Reynolds, Leonardo DiCaprio, or Sam Heughan? Awesome. If I never have children? Great. If I some how end up with five? Perfect. If I die in my sleep tonight? Nice. If I wake up tomorrow morning? Wonderful! Life and Death. It’s all good.