Ah, re-entering the dating scene at a snail’s pace after a five year hiatus. Did not think this day would even exist. I thought I was done with dating, but after my engagement dissolved 9 months ago, well . . . I refuse to let my ex-fiancé get the best of me. I still wish him no ill will and still care for him, but I cannot let my life languish during the waning years of my prime.
Last month, I went on a date with a guy friend of mine who martyred himself for the cause “Of getting back in the saddle.”–Actually, he volunteered and begged for the chance to go on a formal date with me. I am not going to lie, I was very apprehensive about the whole thing because I knew it would irrevocably change the dynamic of our relationship. It ended up being one of the best nights I had in a very long time. I laughed so hard I cramped! I just doesn’t get any better than that! Although, I love him dearly, I do not feel he is my future spouse. I am very certain of this.
The irony of no-longer being engaged, is men coming out of the woodwork who have expressed interest in dating me. I mean, young men, as in men 12 years my junior. . . To stop the insanity, despite the flattery, I have created The List. Of course, I have. I’m Type A. My thought process is this. When it came to my love life, I “let” life happen to me, the results were less than ideal. So this time around I will be a bit more proactive and selective and not just fall for any guy who happens to be nice to me. It follows the mantra of “If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get, what you’ve always gotten.” Time to shake up the paradigm. This list of basic criteria I desire in my future spouse will be then distributed to a few well connected friends and family. Should they know or happen upon someone, they can pass along my contact info.
Now, I know to some Modern readers, the mere thought of “blind dating” is horrifying, and here I’m doing it willingly. Why? 1) I am not super eager to jump back in the dating pool until after my Handmaiden contract is up at the end of November. 2) I trust and love the people whom I am distributing the list to. I know they have my best interest at heart and will not set me up with a drug dealer. This is vaguely Victorian in its approach where the mothers of the wealthy would gently nudge their daughters and sons in the direction they deemed acceptable, including host and attending parties with those who meet certain requirements. As much as I would just love for my own mother to arrange a marriage for me, she doesn’t have the nerve to follow through. Too Westernized in her thinking.
Another comment that will no doubt come up, is why I am so obsessed with Marriage to begin with. Well, some women are obsessed with become a mother. In fact, they will adopt and raise a child single handedly to fulfill their desire. I am not one of those women. Children make me leery. I tolerate them, but I don’t desire with every fiber of my being to have one. People used to speculate that I was fixated on the Wedding, and while I’m not going to lie, there was a huge allure regarding the right of passage, it now lays in shambles in the gutter. I just want to be someone’s equal, a lifetime companion, and to finally release my parents of the burden of still assisting me with dumb stuff like making appointments because I can’t call on the telephone. –That should actually be a criteria on my list, now that I think of it. “Must be able to call and set all doctors’ appointments on my behalf for the rest of my life”
I naturally assume you’re all curious about what is on The List. Like any set of “rules” they are guidelines. I make no delusions there will be millions of people who meet every point cited here in and have great chemistry. This list is just Phase 1. So I will be doing this for about a year. I’ll have to pat myself on the back if I find someone on my own that meets these “standards.” Also, despite the distribution, I do not foresee having dates every night, but I am secretly hoping for once a month, if possible. Just trying to find my balance again.
Doyenne’s Future Husband List
- 35-50 years old (Honestly, no more young men. Speaking of which, he may be a Widower or a one-time Divorcee sans kids, but is just as important to me as to why he got divorced in the first place. I do not want a guy who is dying to have little urchins, either. No members of The Cult of the Child, please.)
- Must love dogs (OBVIOUSLY)
- Conversationalist (because that’s my love language, but included in this is someone who can talk about the mature stuff, controversial issues, articulate what’s really bugging him, etc)
- Charismatic (I’m not a social butterfly by nature; I chalk it up to my hearing impairment, but it’s nice being with someone who will introduce me to others)
- Tolerant and open minded (I need someone who isn’t homophobic or racist)
- Ambitious (Or at least willing to consider a 4/10s marriage, by which I mean not a dude who literally hangs all over you, or has to be touching you or be in the same room with you or at least has to have you in his sight. I need my space. Past experience has taught me seeing someone four days a month is not enough, but seeing some one every single day, is FAR too much. I need someone who’d be comfortable in an unconventional arrangement.)
- Makes greater to or equal to what I make (with minimal or no debt; like me!)
- Bachelor’s Degree+ (thus said, if he’s a college drop out with a six figure income and no debt, I am more than willing to let the degree slide, BUT if he has six figures and is in debt up to his eyeballs, he can see himself to the door).
- 5’8″ or taller
- Enjoys at least one aspect of the Arts (he can still be a sports nuts, but part of the marriage contract is to be dragged to the Opera, art gallery , etc every so often)
- Enjoys travel (and not in the bohemian way–No backpacking through Europe, thankyouverymuch. A 320 day world cruise on the Cunard? Yes, please!)
- Can play the piano or violin
- Can speak another language
- Just happens to look like Ryan Reynolds or Leonardo DiCaprio (but seriously my four boyfriends range from 5’7″/165 lbs blue eyed-blond, 5’9″/195 lbs green eyed-blond, 6’2″/220 lbs green eyed-brunette, 5″10/285 lbs brown eyed-black haired) Seriously, I’ve dated Asians, Blacks, Hispanics, Whites and all the different shades in between. In the end, looks do NOT matter to me. Speak to my intellect and you’ll find your way to my heart.
I won’t be surprised if everyone has an opinion on at least one bullet point (or every single one) on here. That’s great if you do. The beauty about wishes and desires is many people want different things. If we all wanted the same thing, we’d be screwed with economics of supply and demand. Some women like a guy in a T-shirt and fitted jeans like James Dean, I prefer my men in suit or tux. Or better yet, I like a gentlemen who like women in a dress or formalwear. Co-workers joke my best option is an older European business man. They’re probably not far off . . .